Saturday, February 26, 2011

The 80/20 Rule

I can't remember the first time I heard this rule years ago but I still think its a good one. The 80/20. Otherwise known as what you're willing to accept in another person. 80% of who they are is fantastic. The other 20%.. well...I guess that's why it's called compromise.
The other night I was on the phone with a friend whose boyfriend is fantastic. He's nice to her friends, he treats her like a queen and is just a peach all around. Even I think he's great! Anyway, the only downside is he has some ex-drama. Ex-wife and child, to be exact. And when I say drama, its the kind that makes an impact into his current relationship. While my friend has a good point when she says, "Am I supposed to dump a great guy who loves me and treats me well, that I trust and love, because he his ex-wife is a nightmare?" It's a great point, I agree. However, everyone's 20% is different. What she is willing to deal with, other women might not. I, personally, have no problem dating a divorced man with kids. Or even a single dad who has never been married. To me it lends a sort of maturity to their personalities. However, the only caveat is that they MUST have that crap dealt with. As in, have the custody arrangement in place and settled into a supportive relationship for their children. I cannot deal with exes who are still in the stages of using the kids against the father, no matter what reason was behind their relationship's downfall. It's just too much drama which takes time away from the development of MY relationship.
It also makes me think about what we see in our friends' relationships or marriages that we wouldn't tolerate that they compromise with. It's their 20%. It could be smoking, drug use, weight gain, ill health, chronic unemployment or the guy's an airhead. Might it even be possible that our 20% is different with each relationship we have? It's interesting to think about, definitely. I have a string of ex lovers and boyfriends who look like I could make a profitable calendar from their pictures. Yet the one man who I loved the most out of all them was thick around the middle. Intelligence is definitely in my 80%, yet some of my exes could barely tell me when the War of 1812 was fought (I jest, but you get the idea). Is this proof of my changeable 20% theory? Or maybe it's just me. And does this theory work the same for men?
Maybe it's just what we are feeling at the time we meet someone makes the difference. I have a a date tonight with someone from Match. I'm still pretty far into the I-Don't-Care zone, but I still like the act of getting ready to impress someone.
So what's in your 20%? Has your 20% changed over the course of the relationships you've had? What say you, dear readers?

Monday, February 21, 2011

Something to think about

My inspirations for some of my posts come from the weirdest places. Sometimes its a column I'm reading (Like Amy Alkon-Advice Goddess, my fave!), something I see out and about, and once in while it's something I see on TV or in a movie.
Tonight I was on the couch reading a book while Sex in the City was playing in the background. I wasn't watching it, but I like background noise so I don't have to hear my neighbor's kids. Anyway, so apparently the episode in question was about positive daily affirmations. I wasn't paying too much attention, which isn't surprising considering positive affirmations are anathema to my cynical nature. However, there came a scene in the show where the character Charlotte is at a seminar and bravely stands up to state her fear. What might this be, you ask? Well, as the character is written, she is the part of us that is always hopeful about love and relationships. No matter how many relationships she goes through, she never stops hoping and knowing she will fall in love. In this seminar, Charlotte stands up to say she is afraid the affirmations of believing in the hope of love aren't working for her. She found it once, and it fell apart. And no matter how much she has gotten over the situation, the part she hates is the fear he took away her ability to hope, to believe again.
My coffee cup nearly fell out of my hand as I ripped my eyes away from my book to stare at the TV. Wow. Is this where my now buried anger and fear comes from? Getting over being cheated on (and the even worse actions I found out afterward) might have been tough, but I did it. I couldn't figure out what the hell was taking me so long to get to the I-Don't-Care phase. Could this be it? Hmm. My cynical self has definitely had a lot of action lately. This must obviously be a defense mechanism. After all, hope is a type of risk and risk equals the potential for getting hurt. However, hope clearly underestimated my ability for stubbornness. I'm half-Dutch, and we are the most stubborn people on Earth.
Interesting. I never thought for a moment that such a vapid TV show would trigger such an introspective response.  I don't know if this recent revelation will push me through the I-Don't-Phase or not. I'm kind of enjoying it right now, because I feel like teflon. Nothing sticks! Everything is just slightly annoying then quickly forgotten.
What say you, audience? Has the fear of not believing ever gotten the best of you?

Sunday, February 20, 2011

And then there was peace

So I bet you all have been wondering what it is I've been up to these past few weeks? Well, I've been letting myself be damn selfish, that's what. Boy Wonder and I are going on week 8 of our work out plan and while I haven't seen a super obvious weight loss, that's ok. I can see that my body is changing for the better, and I've gone down one size in shirts. Woot!
As for the man front, I've gone on a couple first dates, nothing to write home about. Nice people but meh. But you know, while I wish I really could find that one great guy for me right this minute, I'm not thinking about it a whole hell of a lot. I work out immediately after work and drive home. I pretty much just leave weekends for meet and greets, and if that doesn't work for them well whatever. Red jumped in my shit the other day which is rare for her. She's my best friend and I suppose I need to allow her to vent her worries for me sometimes, but it's really not a big deal. She's worried I'm letting lots of good guys pass me by.
Actually, I'm not. I'm meeting some nice guys. But unfortunately, those nice guys are just not bringing enough on the attraction front to keep me around. Nice is good, but nice all on its own isn't going to make me want to kiss someone.I appreciate her concern but Boy Wonder and JT are pretty much the only people I'm telling any dating info these days. The reason? I've learned that telling some of my friends leads to a chain reaction. They get excited for me, I get excited, then the expectations all go out the damn window. Then I get disappointed. These means, if I say I met someone cool that I don't want to hear, "Well did he call you?" If he did, I don't want to hear, "When are you going out?"  For me, talking to someone doesn't mean squat. It doesn't count. And if they ask me out, it still doesn't count. It doesn't count until I actually GO OUT with them. It's a lot of pressure. Since I've started keeping my mouth shut, I've felt SO much less stress about it because I truly don't care! This is essential, because I come in contact with a ridiculous amount of flaky men.
On the happy memory front, I went to Sevilla for Valentine's Day with Red, TR and JF. We ate decadent food, drank, and had ridiculously yummy dessert. Oh, and then I gave my phone number to the cutie who was playing Spanish guitar. (Yes, he sent a text a couple days later. No, I haven't heard from him since). It was nice to make a V-Day memory that doesn't hit me with pain when I think about it.
So right now I'm talking to a bunch of different men, maybe I will make plans with them, maybe I won't. I will continue my gym plan, and planning my Greece vacation that's occurring 6 month from now. Right now that makes me happy.