Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The One Line Disclaimer

I have a close younger guy friend that I will Lil Brother. Tyler, if you're reading this its not you.. ha ha.
Ok, Lil Brother has been seeing this girl who he admits is a "placeholder". Basically, a chick he's seeing while he's meeting other chicks and waiting for one he really likes. LB has been seeing an awful lot of this girl, for a guy who just wants to date and just got out of a relationship.
Recently he told me she's been acting "like they're together". Now this surprised me. I said, "Well, have you told her the deal?" He says he told her he didn't want a girlfriend right now. Except he said it 3 weeks ago. And since then he has met her kid, slept with her a bunch of times, introduced her to his sister on Christmas Eve and spent Christmas with her. Day after Christmas she wanted to spend the say with him too, to which he says, well she's acting up again like we're together.
He told me this at work on Monday and I completely jumped in his shit. He said well I told her I didn't want a gf. I tried to explain to him that the one line disclaimer tends to get voided if you start to spend all kinds of time with someone. He asked why. I said because your actions are telling her something else. At least if he distanced himself she wouldn't think any more than what it was. He said, "I'm not like those guys you've dated. I'm a nice guy." But that's where he's wrong. His actions are exactly the douche-baggery of those other guys. It would be different if he owned it, but he deludes himself into thinking he's not which I'm sure other men have as well. He doesn't understand he contributed to the problem of her thinking anything funny.
So I brought this particular notion to ML, who is my co-worker and local thought-provoker. His theory is people who do this fall into 3 categories: 1. Those who use it as a guilt free reason to use other people, 2. Those who really do want a gf/bf but are too much of a wienie to walk the walk of free wheeling loner-dom and, 3. The honest to goodness hippy-Buddhist who doesn't spend the time and never leads anyone on.
ML seemed to think that most people fall into the 2nd category. I said maybe people as a whole, but single men are clearly category 1. Every woman I know has fallen for this trick at least once if not many times. I myself have been a sucker for this as well. Red recently coined the term "The MMC" after respective ex-lovers who have pulled this.
This brings to mind, whose responsibility is it to call out the bullshit? Is it the woman's? Most of us haven't realized we've been duped until the subject of togetherness has been brought up, and we are told, "well I don't know why you would think that because I told you I didn't want a gf". I joked with Red, that maybe I should remind myself of the contract I have with myself often. This is how I know I've been hanging out with too many lawyers (jk Weez, DN, ML, BPup and whoever else reads this!). As an example of the humor I told Red the next time a guy tells me the disclaimer up front, the second he starts wanting to see me, texts me, calls me and wanting to come over, that I will tell him his actions effectively voided the contract. That he either is dating me for more potential or isn't seeing me at all.
Too bad this is much easier to do when you don't like the person all that much. When you like someone, you WANT to see them, and it's impossible to tell if the person who is calling you and wanting to see you isn't Disclaimer Guy.
What say, you faithful readers?

Friday, December 17, 2010

You Want a What?!

I saw this today in Amy Alkon's column:

"I swear I see this line in almost every guy’s online dating profile: “Looking for a real woman.” What exactly does that mean?
--Real Curious A guy advertising for “a real woman” sounds selective -- while not ruling out anyone on the planet with a working vagina. (Even a woman who’s 51 percent silicone isn’t going to say, “Whoops, I’m too fake to reply.”) As for what it means, well, it means he’s looking for a woman with real breasts. Or, a woman with real-looking fake breasts. A woman who knows how to change a tire. Or, a woman who knows to stand back and watch the man change the tire. Mostly, it’s a euphemism for “I don’t know what I want, but I don’t want what I just had.” Being so vague is pretty dumb, considering the medium. In a bar, you can only hope the hot thing across the room has the qualities you seek. The Internet affords you the opportunity to articulate exactly what you want: “funny, easygoing, college-educated, adulterous.” Even being the slightest bit more specific helps; for example, as one “real woman”-seeker put it: “I’m looking for a real woman who wants to have sex with a married man.”

I laughed so hard because I realized men are just as neurotic at writing their profile as a lot of women are. The one I frequently see is "I want a no drama girl who is responsible, and spontaneous". Isn't the nature of being spontaneous is neglecting your responsibilities? Or is this just guys saying we want a girl who never plans ahead just like we don't? Hmm. The other day I received an email from a guy with a profile picture of his naked chest, and he's standing under a waterfall. That wasn't the best part. His profile was hidden. So I emailed him and said, how about making your profile public so I can read it? His response? "Sorry I can't right now, but hopefully soon." REALLY?! Well, as most of you know, I have a problem not getting the last word so you know I had to respond. 
So I said, "When you decide to leave your wife and are truly single, put up a real picture and we'll talk". Seriously, we all know the guy was otherwise taken. Why do you they do this? I found out Satan was trolling Match right before he dumped me. I wonder if women do this. I've never trolled unless actually single, but maybe that's because I'm not truly evil. 
Another thing I see in guys' profile is the mention of sex. Hey, I'm under no illusions that dudes are pretty much a giant penis with legs walking around (and yes, we ladies can be just as bad but that's not my point), but does this need to be mentioned in a profile? If I see the code words "sensual, sexual" etc, I click delete. I know exactly what that guy is after. Although, one of my guy friends asked me why this was worse. Wasn't it better that I knew what the dude was after up front rather than kid myself with a guy that doesn't mention it but dumps you the day after? Wow. Very thought provoking. 
This is what I want: Isn't too busy for me (this always happens to me), attractive TO ME, isn't otherwise tangled up with an ex that he's been back and forth with (this recently happened to me), isn't intimidated by my personality, someone that I don't have to play stupid with, and is actually nice. Not doormat nice. Just nice.
MM the comic book artist recently popped back up. Like nothing happened. Interesting.