You Want a What?!

I saw this today in Amy Alkon's column:

"I swear I see this line in almost every guy’s online dating profile: “Looking for a real woman.” What exactly does that mean?

--Real Curious A guy advertising for “a real woman” sounds selective -- while not ruling out anyone on the planet with a working vagina. (Even a woman who’s 51 percent silicone isn’t going to say, “Whoops, I’m too fake to reply.”) As for what it means, well, it means he’s looking for a woman with real breasts. Or, a woman with real-looking fake breasts. A woman who knows how to change a tire. Or, a woman who knows to stand back and watch the man change the tire. Mostly, it’s a euphemism for “I don’t know what I want, but I don’t want what I just had.” Being so vague is pretty dumb, considering the medium. In a bar, you can only hope the hot thing across the room has the qualities you seek. The Internet affords you the opportunity to articulate exactly what you want: “funny, easygoing, college-educated, adulterous.” Even being the slightest bit more specific helps; for example, as one “real woman”-seeker put it: “I’m looking for a real woman who wants to have sex with a married man.”

I laughed so hard because I realized men are just as neurotic at writing their profile as a lot of women are. The one I frequently see is "I want a no drama girl who is responsible, and spontaneous". Isn't the nature of being spontaneous is neglecting your responsibilities? Or is this just guys saying we want a girl who never plans ahead just like we don't? Hmm. The other day I received an email from a guy with a profile picture of his naked chest, and he's standing under a waterfall. That wasn't the best part. His profile was hidden. So I emailed him and said, how about making your profile public so I can read it? His response? "Sorry I can't right now, but hopefully soon." REALLY?! Well, as most of you know, I have a problem not getting the last word so you know I had to respond. 

So I said, "When you decide to leave your wife and are truly single, put up a real picture and we'll talk". Seriously, we all know the guy was otherwise taken. Why do you they do this? I found out Satan was trolling Match right before he dumped me. I wonder if women do this. I've never trolled unless actually single, but maybe that's because I'm not truly evil. 

Another thing I see in guys' profile is the mention of sex. Hey, I'm under no illusions that dudes are pretty much a giant penis with legs walking around (and yes, we ladies can be just as bad but that's not my point), but does this need to be mentioned in a profile? If I see the code words "sensual, sexual" etc, I click delete. I know exactly what that guy is after. Although, one of my guy friends asked me why this was worse. Wasn't it better that I knew what the dude was after up front rather than kid myself with a guy that doesn't mention it but dumps you the day after? Wow. Very thought provoking. 

This is what I want: Isn't too busy for me (this always happens to me), attractive TO ME, isn't otherwise tangled up with an ex that he's been back and forth with (this recently happened to me), isn't intimidated by my personality, someone that I don't have to play stupid with, and is actually nice. Not doormat nice. Just nice.

MM the comic book artist recently popped back up. Like nothing happened. Interesting.