The One Line Disclaimer

I have a close younger guy friend that I will Lil Brother. Tyler, if you're reading this its not you.. ha ha.
Ok, Lil Brother has been seeing this girl who he admits is a "placeholder". Basically, a chick he's seeing while he's meeting other chicks and waiting for one he really likes. LB has been seeing an awful lot of this girl, for a guy who just wants to date and just got out of a relationship.
Recently he told me she's been acting "like they're together". Now this surprised me. I said, "Well, have you told her the deal?" He says he told her he didn't want a girlfriend right now. Except he said it 3 weeks ago. And since then he has met her kid, slept with her a bunch of times, introduced her to his sister on Christmas Eve and spent Christmas with her. Day after Christmas she wanted to spend the say with him too, to which he says, well she's acting up again like we're together.
He told me this at work on Monday and I completely jumped in his shit. He said well I told her I didn't want a gf. I tried to explain to him that the one line disclaimer tends to get voided if you start to spend all kinds of time with someone. He asked why. I said because your actions are telling her something else. At least if he distanced himself she wouldn't think any more than what it was. He said, "I'm not like those guys you've dated. I'm a nice guy." But that's where he's wrong. His actions are exactly the douche-baggery of those other guys. It would be different if he owned it, but he deludes himself into thinking he's not which I'm sure other men have as well. He doesn't understand he contributed to the problem of her thinking anything funny.
So I brought this particular notion to ML, who is my co-worker and local thought-provoker. His theory is people who do this fall into 3 categories: 1. Those who use it as a guilt free reason to use other people, 2. Those who really do want a gf/bf but are too much of a wienie to walk the walk of free wheeling loner-dom and, 3. The honest to goodness hippy-Buddhist who doesn't spend the time and never leads anyone on.
ML seemed to think that most people fall into the 2nd category. I said maybe people as a whole, but single men are clearly category 1. Every woman I know has fallen for this trick at least once if not many times. I myself have been a sucker for this as well. Red recently coined the term "The MMC" after respective ex-lovers who have pulled this.
This brings to mind, whose responsibility is it to call out the bullshit? Is it the woman's? Most of us haven't realized we've been duped until the subject of togetherness has been brought up, and we are told, "well I don't know why you would think that because I told you I didn't want a gf". I joked with Red, that maybe I should remind myself of the contract I have with myself often. This is how I know I've been hanging out with too many lawyers (jk Weez, DN, ML, BPup and whoever else reads this!). As an example of the humor I told Red the next time a guy tells me the disclaimer up front, the second he starts wanting to see me, texts me, calls me and wanting to come over, that I will tell him his actions effectively voided the contract. That he either is dating me for more potential or isn't seeing me at all.
Too bad this is much easier to do when you don't like the person all that much. When you like someone, you WANT to see them, and it's impossible to tell if the person who is calling you and wanting to see you isn't Disclaimer Guy.
What say, you faithful readers?

You Want a What?!

I saw this today in Amy Alkon's column:

"I swear I see this line in almost every guy’s online dating profile: “Looking for a real woman.” What exactly does that mean?

--Real Curious A guy advertising for “a real woman” sounds selective -- while not ruling out anyone on the planet with a working vagina. (Even a woman who’s 51 percent silicone isn’t going to say, “Whoops, I’m too fake to reply.”) As for what it means, well, it means he’s looking for a woman with real breasts. Or, a woman with real-looking fake breasts. A woman who knows how to change a tire. Or, a woman who knows to stand back and watch the man change the tire. Mostly, it’s a euphemism for “I don’t know what I want, but I don’t want what I just had.” Being so vague is pretty dumb, considering the medium. In a bar, you can only hope the hot thing across the room has the qualities you seek. The Internet affords you the opportunity to articulate exactly what you want: “funny, easygoing, college-educated, adulterous.” Even being the slightest bit more specific helps; for example, as one “real woman”-seeker put it: “I’m looking for a real woman who wants to have sex with a married man.”

I laughed so hard because I realized men are just as neurotic at writing their profile as a lot of women are. The one I frequently see is "I want a no drama girl who is responsible, and spontaneous". Isn't the nature of being spontaneous is neglecting your responsibilities? Or is this just guys saying we want a girl who never plans ahead just like we don't? Hmm. The other day I received an email from a guy with a profile picture of his naked chest, and he's standing under a waterfall. That wasn't the best part. His profile was hidden. So I emailed him and said, how about making your profile public so I can read it? His response? "Sorry I can't right now, but hopefully soon." REALLY?! Well, as most of you know, I have a problem not getting the last word so you know I had to respond. 

So I said, "When you decide to leave your wife and are truly single, put up a real picture and we'll talk". Seriously, we all know the guy was otherwise taken. Why do you they do this? I found out Satan was trolling Match right before he dumped me. I wonder if women do this. I've never trolled unless actually single, but maybe that's because I'm not truly evil. 

Another thing I see in guys' profile is the mention of sex. Hey, I'm under no illusions that dudes are pretty much a giant penis with legs walking around (and yes, we ladies can be just as bad but that's not my point), but does this need to be mentioned in a profile? If I see the code words "sensual, sexual" etc, I click delete. I know exactly what that guy is after. Although, one of my guy friends asked me why this was worse. Wasn't it better that I knew what the dude was after up front rather than kid myself with a guy that doesn't mention it but dumps you the day after? Wow. Very thought provoking. 

This is what I want: Isn't too busy for me (this always happens to me), attractive TO ME, isn't otherwise tangled up with an ex that he's been back and forth with (this recently happened to me), isn't intimidated by my personality, someone that I don't have to play stupid with, and is actually nice. Not doormat nice. Just nice.

MM the comic book artist recently popped back up. Like nothing happened. Interesting.

World's Fastest (and most dysfuctional) Relationship

Well kiddos, this past weekend I apparently had the world's fastest relationship. Within a span of 48 hours, I talked to, met, and apparently had a dramatic affair with a male model who lives in Los Angeles.
DC sent me an email on Match. (yep, I renewed.) He looked good. Sounded normal and straight to the point. After a couple emails he asked for my phone number, which I freely gave. He asked permission to call me and we talked for two hours. He liked history (shocker!), was very smart, had an opinion and was looking for a relationship. He was very concerned with "openness and not being afraid to completely share". Or as he put it, bringing the remnants of my toxic past into the sparkling white carpet of our new relationship". Um... yeah. Apparently, even though he wanted to know why I felt a certain way I wasn't allowed to reference said experience that caused me to feel a certain way. Already I was feeling constrained by judgment. He called me again that Friday night, and said he wanted to drive down and meet me that night because he felt such a connection. I met him an hour later. He was cute and had a body that literally made my teeth hurt. I made out with him for a couple minutes before he left.
The next day he called me a few times for very lengthy conversations. I text messaged Red and told her, wow he certainly has a strong personality. He's kinda pushy. Like borderline acting like a dick, pushy. He asked me to come up to Hollywood and watch the Chargers game with him. I said ok. Until he brought up making a bet if the Colts won. Then we wanted to get laid. Then changed his bet, since in his opinion we would probably do that anyway. The new bet was a very intimate thing I'd only done in two serious relationships. Again I said no. He asked why not. I said I consider that special. He argued HE'S special. By this point I'm already feeling exhausted from constantly having to deal with qualifying my feelings or opinions. For someone who was so concerned with absolute truth and being open, he was hella judgemental. Among his other "endearing" qualities was his habit of throwing around his "genius level IQ and superior intellect". Which I found confusing. How could he even think I was smart when he talked to me like a friggin' two year old?! I told him I wanted to go to bed, I had to be at the pub early to get a table for breakfast and football.
The next day, Sunday, he started text messaging toward the end of the Steelers game at about noon. I had already made up my mind I was done. He was too demanding, judgemental, and pushy. When I tried to be an adult and say I wasn't what he was looking for, he started in with a stream of text messages arguing with me.
Then the phone calls. He knew I was watching football. I went outside and said, "What?!" After yelling at me and calling me a politician (for some reason he thought this was denigrating me) for being rational and calm, I yelled back and told him no, that I was done. Then he started begging. After all this, he suddenly stops and says, "Well are you coming up tonight to watch the game?" I said no, and he hung up. I thought, cool. The Steelers are in OT and I can finish watching!
No sooner had I sat down, that he sent me a text saying I was a fraud and a failure for not opening up with instant trust to him. And that I deserved everything I got. That I was never to call him or text him again, because he would just delete it.
Um. Yeah. Don't hold your breath, guy.
So there's your lesson folks. So many times we think, oh but they're so attractive, they can't be crazy! Or that somehow hot male models are somehow like unicorns. Nope, they're potentially nuts just like other men.
Lesson learned!

Interesting theory

So today my work friend ML and I are talking and he puts things in perfect perspective for me. I've long maintained there are few men out there who would really be in my dating pool. ML took this and ran with it. He said if I looked at it like a bell curve, and I'm on the tail end. Based on my personality (strong, type-A, alpha) and everything else about me, I'm not going to fall into the big middle. The big middle has a lot more choices. Where people aren't really picky, not really opinionated, etc. Dating and finding relationships will probably be a lot easier for them based on availability of "resources". The tail end that I'm in, however, I'm going to have to put up with a lot of chaff.
Obviously I want to meet someone with whom I can actually be myself with. Being myself tends to scare or intimidate people, though, unless they are equally as alpha as I am. ML also said something that made me feel better. A few posts ago I ranted about how people say things to singles like, "You'll find it when you stop looking!", "You don't need a man to be happy, you can do everything on your own!" and my favorite, "You're too picky! Just settle!" ML thinks dating and relationships are like a lottery. Yes you can put your $5 in every week religiously, but that doesn't guarantee you a shot. Neither does not putting in your money. We have no control over it. Kind of like heated up atoms, speeding all over the place, we have no control over which ones will bump into each other. Some may glance off the other, possibly affecting it, while others hit the nucleus perfectly to create a reaction.
While on one hand this makes me feel better because it kind of nudges me to give it up to my higher power, on the other its sort of sad. Like what if I do end up cruising through life by myself? That kind of sucks, actually. It's not like I wouldn't have lovers over the years, but that's not the point. A lover doesn't have that emotional intimacy with you.
My immediately plan is to only count on having that one date. Since I never get past the first date anyway, this seems wise. It keeps my expectations in check and if something happens afterward, then its a happy surprise. I'm also going to throw myself into planning my vacation to Greece, which makes me feel happy and excited. Finally, I will be going somewhere I've wanted to since I was about 7 years old.
Today I will continue to think about the things that make me happy.   =)

Holiday Advertisements and What I'm Actually Thankful For

It's that time of year, singletons! Yes, that few months stretch that starts after Halloween and goes until Valentine's Day. You know what I'm talking about. Retail's way of telling us we don't matter. I know you think I'm probably being a cynical, cranky bitch of late, but seriously! From now until V-Day, we will be seeing TV commercials and hearing radio spots that throw it in our faces that we are single, and if we WERE in a couple, the only way to show how much we are loved is with an engagement ring. Guys, don't think you're off the hook either. Your pressure comes from having to make a very public, creative and especially romantic proposal or else: Epic Fail! During this time of year I have my remote handy so I can mute all the commercials. It used to not phase me so much but Satan dumped me right before holiday season last year and so these stupid spots are somehow more poignantly painful.
So in protest, and as a means of positive reinforcement, I'm going to name the things I am grateful for and make me happy. Screw Robbins Brothers! I'm going to bust out of my grumpiness come Hell or high water. Without further ado, here's the list:
1. My besties: Red, JT, SB and Boy Wonder. (Shouts to my co-workers who have to deal with my crankiness on a daily basis and never stop being the awesome positive people that they are! Weez, BPuppy, LR, KL, DN and ChulaBella)
2. My family. Even though my mom and sister drive me nuts and we don't talk all the time, I know they love me. Especially my dad, who totally understands me without me having to try and explain myself. Probably because we have the exact same type-A, Alpha personality.
3. My two cats, Nyx and Nelli. For some reason no matter how upset I am, all it takes is for one of them to jump in my lap and give me some affection to make me feel better.
4. The fact that much as I bitch about not being married and having kids, I've been to more countries and states, and had more adventures on my own than the women in my family that are my age and saddled with kids and a husband. i.e. I've jumped out of a plane at 13,000 feet, I went on vacation to a foreign country alone for 2 weeks, I've kissed a man in each country I've gone on vacation (ha!), I've been on a boat ride on Loch Ness, I've sunbathed topless on a cruise, I duckcrawled through a medieval dungeon in Ireland, I hiked through Blair Witch-type woods alone to find a 200 year old family cemetery in MA, I'm one of only 2 out of 6 grandkids that actually learned to ice skate which is a family sport.
5. Things that make me happy: coffee in the morning after I've slept in, laying on my deck on a warm sunny day, traveling to countries I've never been before, Greek and Italian food, creme brulee, my two little twin cousins Skylar and Sydnee and my nephew Mikey, the way Kern Valley smells as the sun is rising on a hot day and I'm driving to the mountains (smells like fresh cut grass), the smell of burning "turf" in an old pub in Ireland and I'm drinking a Guinness, a hug from a good friend,  and cracking open a new book.

So there you have it. My way of catharsis. It's a bit wordy and makes no sense to anyone but me, but maybe it will lead you all to think about what you're grateful for too. I'm making a pledge to myself to stop being a pity-partying woe is me moron. Yeah, there are things about me that suck, but there are others that totally kick ass. I don't think they're the same all the time though.
What makes YOU happy?

Uncommon times call for uncommon measures

The 5th century Chinese general, Sun Tzu, was a genius in studying his adversaries. He knew every move they made and why. His advice and teachings are so well thought out, that to this day his writing, "The Art of War", is on the Marine Corps leadership reading list and assigned reading material at the American War College.
These days I feel like I'm in an exhausting battle to find love. My dating experiences lately have left me feeling like a fighter pilot after a dogfight, and I'm not quite sure who won. I've lost my fighting form, and I need to get it back. I've completely misunderstood and under/overestimated the adversary, leading to outcomes that are highly disappointing.
I've kept my promise for another week, of letting my match.com subscription go another week. I've officially exhausted all the dates the I had from the last go round. I've still retained my title of "one-date wonder". I'm going to experiment with a different approach. Twice in the past week, two different men told me that I'm intimidating because I'm confident. I'm not arrogant on my dates. I give them all the time they want to talk about themselves, ask good questions. However, it seems my "confidence" keeps peeking through. I've been told I scare the hell out of men. So, I'm going to do the unthinkable and pretend to be dumb. Red has already thrown the gauntlet, asking me how will I find someone who wants me for me if I'm not acting like me? Well, since my normal way of doing things isn't working, I'll try something else.
I'm also thinking of turning down men if they ask me out. Maybe I'm not in a place to date. Which makes me really f-ing angry. It's been over a year since Satan dumped me. Why the hell am I'm not in a place to be happy? Why am I still angry? hmmmm.... maybe next Saturday I will go to confession and lay all this psychological b.s. on the priest. It couldn't hurt. Maybe it will help center me.
   =)

The drought that became a flood, that became a drought again

So after a week of bitching that I wasn't getting any attention, I was suddenly deluged with emails and texts from all over. I was getting emails from match like crazy, and my phone was blowing up. Even Mimbo came back around with some craziness about wanting to get married. (Calling his bluff by sharing some unpleasantness quickly sent him packing, though.) In the middle of all this, my good friend JT set me up with her co worker CC. We all went out for football and it was awesome. The chemistry was immediate and he asked me out for that weekend. Our date was so fun that we made plans for this weekend. I also hung out a couple times with a Customs investigator. But, since this is me we are talking about, nothing ever works out.
On date 2 with Customs guy, he "suddenly" got a call from work and told me our date was being cut short. There was an uncomfortable staring at the check, and I again had to pay for my own dinner. That's twice in two months! Afterward he didn't even walk me to my car. This is after a terrific first date just four days before.
After my date with CC, we saw each other a couple nights later for football with the group. He was affectionate with me in front of his friends and of course there was copious amounts of kissing when he walked me to my car. We solidified our plans for this weekend. Again, since this is me, so of course the plans would never happen. And they didn't. Once again, I've been stood up and flaked on.
I told Weez last week that my new nickname for myself is the One Date Wonder. Seriously. I can't get past the first date. I do GREAT first date. I get lots of communication even after the first date, but slowly a few days after the first date the guys seem to just disappear into thin air. Poof! And once again I'm left wondering, "wtf?!"
I let my Match subscription lapse. I'm back to the drought. It kind of sucks. Dateahero.com sent me an email giving me a free month, but theres not enough people on there to make it worth my while. That's also where I met Mimbo and we all know how well that worked out.
So, tonight HF is coming over to let me de-stress, if you will. To allow me to be selfish. He's good that way. I think I need to make more time for that in the coming weeks, so I can feel more in control. Clearly my self imposed abstinence in favor of "finding something special" has done nothing by slowly drive me insane. F-that. I'm going back to my old ways. Trying to walk the more traditional side of things didn't work for me. I feel more frustrated than I've ever been. My friend MD, along with Red, are of the opinion I go on a Man-fast. I can't do it. The mind and flesh are weak. Sorry, my friends.
So, thats the past couple weeks in a nutshell. Tomorrow when I see some of you, hopefully there will be a visual change in my outlook..lol..

New trick gets a test run

So last week was a bad week. I once heard an analogy that women should look at dating like a buffet. If that's true, last week felt like the lunch rush at Panda where everyone was in front of me and they ran out of orange chicken. You know, where there's only those over cooked tough pieces they try and sneak into your bowl without you noticing?And everyone in front of you got some of the good stuff and you didn't? That was so me the past couple of weeks.
Last night I went to MW's party. I dressed like a slutty female Indian Jones. I can proudly say it showed plenty of hooters and no one else had my costume. Success! I will be weak and say it felt good to have a lot of male attention. And after my first pint of Guinness, my normal inner ballsy self came out. I smiled directly at men. I stuck out my hand and asked their name. I danced and flirted and talked. Then I tried out a new trick I heard about, called back leading. After chatting with one of them, I said, "If I gave you my number and you called me to get coffee, I would totally say yes." Holy cow, it worked. I got three numbers last night and they're all three texting already. Apparently from an article I read recently, the fear of rejection is so fierce in men we women have no frame of reference for it. So, saying this tells them they're guaranteed a yes, thereby giving them the confidence to contact me.
Red was right when she said my lonely phase would only last a week and I would be in a different place next week. Damn I hate it when she's right!

Enough to make me become a nun

Ok, well almost.
It's been a bad week and a half. After reappearing for a few days with constant texting, calling and mentions of date 2, MM has officially and finally gone the way of the dodo. So yeah, ouch. Last Saturday's beta male date was baaaaaaddd. And this week I have been rejected from having a relationship with someone (not dating or boning them, of course. That would be perfectly acceptable!) due to my advanced age of 36 years. Let's not mention that I was in his age range. Or that we had good conversation and he thought I was hot. After both of us decided thinking about that heavy stuff was stupid, we made a date for tomorrow, which is Friday. Today on the way home he cancelled on me because "he thought he could do this online stuff but he just can't, sorry". And oh yes, he is just so very shy. Considering he is a combat veteran I'm calling BULLSHIT.
And today I saw CK. Yep. The guy who dumped me the day before my birthday. The one who, after telling me he was too busy for a girlfriend and wanted someone to just spend time with on a regular basis, dumped me because he decided to HAVE SOMEONE ELSE AS A GIRLFRIEND. So today he sees me and says, "I'm really sorry about all that." I said, "Yeah. I was pretty pissed at you." He says, "Well I just needed to make a decision, it had been time." After a couple more questions I determined that he had already been seeing her when he met me. Its almost 9pm and my stomach is still doing flip flops. I wish I didn't still like him.
So this is where I ask the universe, "WHEN THE HELL IS IT MY TURN FOR PETE'S SAKE!!!!!" Lately I've pretty much felt like chopped liver. It got so bad that on Tuesday I actually went home after work and cried. Even though I felt like I needed to do it, and felt a little better the next day, I don't feel all that much better. Right now I'm just praying for peace and serenity. That's all I want. Peace to quiet my mind and heart.
Dare I say it, it might be time to find a new booty call. In the past I found that when distracted by casual interaction on a regular basis, I maintain much better control.
What do I do, fair readers? Let myself go over the edge of sanity? Or pull myself back from the brink with the attentions of someone less than worthy? Maybe I'll meet a likely candidate at the Mayan Warrior's Halloween party on Saturday, where I'm certain to drink away my recent pain..lol...
I'll be waiting for your answers...    *wink

The ebb and flow

So that old adage of feast or famine, drought or flood comes to mind. MM is in San Diego for the weekend and I had to let go HF. HF told me his ex has been sniffing around and wanting to get back with him. I just can't go there. I will not compete with a another woman for a man's attention. Not to mention, I know what it feels like to be cheated on. Even if they're in that weird in-between phase, that's still not cool.
This past Thursday I went to SB's house for dinner. While I was there, the Ginger called me. He and I have been emailing back and forth the past week or so. He's hot. Even for a ginger. I think Scotland changed me in regards to gingers. Since I went on two dates while I was there with this strawberry-blonde Scottish guy, it made me look at them kinda differently. And when I say ginger, this guy has seriously red hair. So the Ginger asked me out for next week. I said yes. Which prompted SB's sister TR to say, "he's cute!" and SB said, "Gingers have no soul!" I couldn't help but chuckle at that.
Today while I was sitting here feeling bummed about MM being gone and having to kick the Warrior loose, this new guy I've been talking to texted me. I don't know what to think about PO. On one hand, he's a nice guy, definitely interested in me, and reasonably attractive. However, there are some not so good things: he texts like an ignorant teenager. I'm not talking text shorthand. It goes beyond that. I can't even explain it but it drives me crazy. BikerPuppy and Weez can attest to my ridiculous obsession with grammar. Another thing about PO that is a little on the irritating side: he's never traveled. Not even to other states beyond Nevada (Vegas). How could someone not be curious about the world? Or even our country? I know you're all thinking to yourselves, why the hell am I going out with him then? You obviously didn't read a post I wrote a couple months ago titled, "Things You Do When You're Bored".
AC the Air Force guy is also coming home in the next two weeks. Maybe my feast is on it's way, and this famine will take a hike.

Your Uterus Doesn't Give You Priority

*Sigh*
First I want to preface this post by saying this is not meant to knock my friends who are mothers. I love you guys and you are SO not who I'm referencing in this post. Got it? Ok, here we go.
I can't stand highbrow mothers. Yes, you know who you are. With your strollers the size of a bus, your habit of taking up any aisle in any store with same stroller, your gaze of superiority as you gaze at my cart of yogurt, bread and cat food. Yes, I have cats. Two to be exact. That doesn't make me a crazy cat lady, even though I'm a single woman in my mid-30's. (or does it? SHIT!) All right, I digress...
Have you ever noticed this? At the mall, or even worse, any amusement park. Parents running their strollers into strangers like they own the freakin sidewalk. No apology, like we are supposed to get out of their way because there's a "BABY ON BOARD!" Seriously. I was at the grocery store last night and it must have been mommy night because they were all over and constantly in my way. I couldn't get my cart around their cart. They're letting their kids scream at the top of their lungs. From what I hear, they just tune the kid out. Well that's all fine when you're at home but when you're in public the rest of us have to suffer from your kid's tantrum. Have some class or some consideration for your fellow humans, geez.
The stroller/cart drives me nuts. The few times I have said "excuse me" or nudged their cart/stroller out of the way has resulted in dirty looks. I guess just because you have offspring that gives you absolution from having manners.
The other thing that drives me nuts is the "oh you poor single non-breeder, you just don't get it" looks and/or comments. Sad to say I get this from a certain member of my own family. My cousin JO insists on inviting her friends to family events. They all got married at the same age and all had kids at the same age. They look at my sister and I, who are both single, with these looks of pity, fear, and condescension. They completely dismiss both of us, because our lives couldn't possibly be as relevant as theirs. I mean, they're mothers!
Now this sounds kind of weird coming from me, since I would love to have a family of my own, but do people really have to be assholes about it? Is this sort of a post-feminism view I have? If women are happy being stay-at-home mothers, how dare they mock the rest of us? Wasn't that what the Women's Lib movement was about? We could choose what we wanted to be. A mother, a wife, an adventurer (me!), none of the above or all of the above.
What say you, audience? Am I being an overly sensitive, bitter, single woman in my 30's? Or is there something to this?

And yet, its not any different

This is going to be a rant, folks, so be prepared.
So looks like my excitement over MM was short lived. Yep, just like most single men, their attention span and interest is as fleeting as little kid with ADHD. Communication went from every day phone calls and texts to zip, nada, poof. This was as of Tuesday night. What the hell makes them do this, I wonder? Tuesday's text messages were very flirtatious, asking me for pictures (and not even dirty ones), saying he wanted to see me again. It's now Friday and I've heard from him once, which was yesterday. "Busy week", he says. Hmm... guess he wasn't wise that we ladies now know that busy = just not that into you. Detroit, same thing. Except after our date and the requisite text from him of "hey I want to see you again", nothing else.
What makes men do this? Do they think we're stupid? How frigging hard is it to tell someone that you just don't think it's going to work out? Seriously. The wasted time wondering is waaaaay worse than knowing its just not going to happen. And for me, it's pretty bad. There are so few men I actually like that it's a little excruciating when this happens.
I will admit to feeling insecure about it. I will admit to delving a little bit into a pity party (the standard "I'm never going to find anyone", "what's wrong with me", "I hate them all" fare). What I hate is admitting to myself that I'm that much of a sucker. Seriously.. if I hear from one more person any one of these phrases:
1. "Don't worry about finding someone. You don't need a man! You can have a full life without one!"
2. "Someone will drop in your lap when you least expect it. A watched pot never boils!"
3. "Lower your standards. You're too picky. Just pick someone and settle down."

Obviously these mostly come from Smug Marrieds, Ladies Who Have Given Up (see #1) and my grandmother. I'm seriously considering moving. Dating in SoCal is tiring, full of fakers, and never really amounts to anything. And I'm sure someone here is going to point out that my trust issues are a self-fulfilling prophecy. My response to that is: stuff it.
So, I think I'm nearly over the internet dating thing for now. I've been on Match since August and I've gone on a total of 6 dates, two of them with the same guy. Maybe I should just admit to myself that I'm just not good at this. I'm naturally kind of a type-A person so this really bums me out. My experiment of asking around isn't panning out. Neither is the gym. Or the grocery store. Or the beach. Or the sports bar I frequent to watch football on Sundays. You'd think that one is a given, but I assure you, it is not.

Internet dating annoyance saved by interesting date

So now that I've been on Match for almost two months, I've noticed a trend. Gross old men like me. I think I get more winks, emails and looks from men over 47 than men my own age. I also noticed they're looking for women 25-40. And they're 50 years old! Why is this? I mentioned it to Weez the other day and she had an interesting perspective: they think they're rad and just don't care. Hmm. They clearly don't read my profile. I provide helpful hints like "have a picture, its only fair", "I like to work out and go to the gym", "if you're looking for something casual, I'm not the girl for you". Yet, I still get emails from squatty old guys, guys with no pictures, guys looking just to have some fun. Again, hmm. Don't you notice the ones with no pictures always describe themselves as "handsome, in good shape"? Really? How do we know that? If you don't have a picture you're clearly hiding something, like you're ugly...lol.. I always get these nasty old guys who think their money is going to bowl me over. Their profiles have one fuzzy pic of them with sunglasses on, and the rest are "things". Like houses. And cars. And their dog. And vacation spots. I could give a rat's ass about that stuff but my profile obviously isn't caustic enough to rule out these foolios..lol
Now, since I'm trying dating outside my type, I had a date with MM on Friday night. MM is a comic book artist. He's bald and has facial hair. Sort of along the lines of my friend Connor who I work with. The facial hair works for Connor but I don't like facial hair on men I date. Who freaking knew, but I had so much fun with MM I was out until 4am (never fear, my faithful readers, the clothes stayed on!). I haven't felt such crazy attraction for someone in a long time and it was definitely mutual. He asked me at the end, "So I think this meet and greet coffee turned into Date 1 when we went for a drink. Do you feel the same way?" Hell yes! Then he said, oh we are so going for Date 2. I think I like him. He's a total smart ass for a creative type.
Yesterday, after having next to no sleep (thanks to my cats, Nyx and Nelli) I went to lunch in Marina del Rey with Detroit. Detroit is a former NFL player from the east coast. Most would describe him as a "big goombah", but I had a nice time with him. He made is clear he's not looking to play around. Big personality (I liked it), lots of sarcasm, and old fashioned manners. When I got home, we both made it clear we were interested in seeing each other again. However, as with everything, that means absolutely nothing until they actually make the move TO see you again.
This morning I woke to a long rambling email from a Match guy. His profile and email kept stressing sensuality, passion, NEEDING attraction. Mmmhmm. Like I can't read between the lines and know what he's after!

Dating & manners, part deux, and the joys of internet dating

Well, as some of you may know, I'm getting back out there in a serious way. No half-hearted, lackadaisical dating for me. I'm in it to win it, folks, and you know I'm as competitive as it gets. Since I'm completely done with the BS, it's sort freed me up from the morons. It's such a nice change! So here I am, on a dating site, and as a newly thought of tactical idea, asking my friends if they know of any eligible bachelors I might like.
Let's talk about internet dating since it's right there out in the open now. I think women go about it in a way different manner than men do. Yes, we still look at the pictures, but I also look at what THEY'RE looking for. Height, race, age, all those things. If I don't match what they're looking for, why bother winking or emailing? Men, however, obviously don't do this. This is evidenced by my now tired Blackberry, from the incessant pinging of men who really don't fall into my parameters. For instance, old dudes. I don't have a problem dating men up to the age of 44 or 45 but after that, nope. sorry folks. I'm only 36 and still relatively young. For some reason though, even though the age range is right at the top of my profile, they still keep winking and emailing. Along with height. I'm 5'10. No offense to the shorties out there but I need someone my own height. Ever notice how all men under 5'10 always put 5'10? Yet clearly, when I meet them, they're not. You can always tell the guy who never reads your profile, because they're email to you looks something like this:"Hey, what's up?" or "Yer hot" or "We have so much in common!" We do? What do we have in common? Ahhhh... the cut and paste email. Red and I used to crack up at this one guy who used to send me the same c&p email every week, with a different phone number. So one day he sent it to me, but with a different girl's name at the top of it. After that I HAD to respond, fate was begging me to! I responded, "Since I haven't responded to all your cut and paste emails before, you might want to do some editing before sending it to the next girl." HA! Of course, he got mad and told me I had problems with men because I wouldn't call or go out with him. I'm sure it had nothing to do with his skeevy half naked picture or that he kept highlighting his "massage" skills in his profile. Nope, nothing to do with that!
The second part of this post is by special request from BikerPuppy, since she wants everyone to share in the joy that was my date from hell on Monday night. I met the Octopus (you can see where this is going) on Match. He asked me out last Sunday night for dinner the next evening. Ever the opportunist, I agreed. He was reasonably attractive, quirky personality, and the conversation was decent. Then the check came. I did the requisite fumbling for my wallet inside my purse, expecting the "no it's ok, I got it" to come out of his mouth. Except it didn't. Out comes my wallet. Still nothing. So I say, "I guess I should have stopped at the ATM on the way, I only have $18 in cash on me besides my credit card." He takes the money from me and says, "That's fine, I'll pay for the remainder." WTF?!!!!!!!! I don't think I've ever been in this position before. What man in their right mind does this? So now I'm irritated. He suggests we walk down 2nd Street, and I needed to walk so I said ok. While pausing at the Toledo bridge, he leans over to kiss me and promptly put his hands on my ass. After grabbing his wrists and removing them, he chuckles and says, "oops! I didn't have anywhere to put my hands!" Now that we were at the opposite end of the street from where I was parked, I told him I needed to go home. It was getting late, yada yada. He walks me to my car. I didn't want him to kiss me so I turned my head and gave him a hug. He used the hug as an opportunity to attempt to feel me up, to which I promptly go in my car and left.
Two days later he asked if we were going out again or did he blow it? I said no, good luck. His reply? "You can't blame me for following my natural impulses." I didn't point out to him that serial killers felt the same, but that's besides the point.
I hope you all enjoyed my post today. I thank BikerPuppy for staring my right in the eye on Tuesday morning and telling me rather forcefully, "No! You are NOT going out with that guy again!" As if there were any question, but just to drive the point home.   =)

When the Truth Hurts

Last week I read this article that struck me so much it took me over a week to decide what I was going to say. He doesn't want it
Back when I was with Satan, one of the things that started to go wrong with us at the end was our sex life. It was never a question of me wanting it. I was the one asking HIM. I hadn't gained weight, or anything obvious like that. Rather, he just kept saying he didn't feel like it. That, and he started playing a lot of WoW, staying up late and looking at a lot of porn. I didn't know what to do. I asked him if he wanted to talk about anything. Nope. I asked him if there was anything we could try or do, you know, to shake things up. My suggestions were met with lackluster attempts at participation. I asked him if maybe this was a low drive issue, that we could go to the doctor. Now this suggestion actually pissed him off, that I would DARE think he could have some type of physical problem.
My biggest mistake was looking at this as a clinical issue. I knew he loved me, he told me all the time. He was still affectionate with me. Still spending every weekend with me. He seemed embarrassed by his lack of ability to "finish" the job. I never criticized. Which is where I went wrong.
As I struggled to try and figure out what was going on, I refused to look at the most obvious answer: that he was cheating on me. When the subject of counseling came up, at first he was reluctant. Then he told me he loved me and wanted to work it out. He wanted to go and figure out what was wrong with him. And so began the dog and pony show he trotted out for our counselor. Meanwhile, at home, the criticism of ME began:
"I don't know why you think your boobs are great, they're really just average."  and  "I just don't want to touch you if your skin doesn't feel perfectly satin smooth, like it should." (which caused me to exfoliate and moisturize endlessly until my wrists got cramps and I scrubbed 3 layers of skin off.) and finally not even looking at me if I stood in front of him naked.
I don't look any different then than I do now, but after it was over it sank in just how much my self esteem had taken a hit. I had never been physically down on myself after a relationship ended, but it took me MONTHS to get over it. I never want to go through something like that again.
Ladies, the moral of the story is this: there is something seriously wrong if your guy doesn't want to get it on with you. If it's not a genuine low T problem, that he has been diagnosed by a doctor, then you better believe he's getting it elsewhere. And guys, if this is you, don't torture your chick. Just get out of the relationship.
It's been a week since I read this article and I'm still bothered by it. It's been a year since Satan told me he had been with someone else, she was pregnant and he was marrying her. And I'm still completely disturbed by it. I wonder when I'll be able to let it go.

Only a matter of time

Well my last post was a little social experiment in itself. The going theory seems to be I turned it into a chase with LAPD by continually telling him no. For weeks on end. It seems that theory was correct, in that someone who isn't serious will eventually revert back to their original state.
Which is exactly what happened.
As is LAPD's habit, he text messaged me on Saturday. At first things were normal: work, etc. Then came the inevitable, "Hey why don't you come over here and get naked with me." Um, yeah. Apparently he thought I was playing for the past couple months when I said no. The conversation degenerated from there ending with me threatening to call my cousin who is a sergeant on the same type of special unit he's on but at another station. I can't even repeat what he said because it was so disgusting.
So, he eventually acted like we all thought he eventually would. Interestingly, I asked why he even said what he did last week when he clearly didn't feel that way. He said he did feel that way, he was just horny all the time. Well aren't we all? Except the rest of us manage to have the self control of adults, rather than a child. I can just picture the inside of his brain with little pop-up messages: instant gratification! must have woman now! grunt! grunt! Maybe he's schizo and his other personality is a caveman, who knows.
I wouldn't say I necessarily learned something. I think it's odd he keeps hassling me. I mean I keep saying no, yet he continues to try. Hmm. Now that I've thrown the gauntlet down on his career he'd be smart to stay away, but I guess I'll soon see.

The power of No?

An interesting, odd and completely crazy thing has been going on the past few weekends. I told LAPD to take a hike like a month ago. I told him I was looking for a relationship, didn't want a booty call, etc. I didn't hear back from him, which was what I expected. Exactly one week later, I get the standard random text message asking me to come over. To which I replied, get lost. Didn't hear back.... for another week. Then the same thing happened again. Random message, I get mad and tell him no. He says something disrespectful about having another girl come over instead. Yep, he went there. Even if the assumption is that both people are seeing others, who the hell throws it in the other person's face? And we weren't even seeing each other! So I tell him he will never have access to my goodies again, that he disrespected me, that he completely disregarded everything I had said. He said he was deleting my number. I said go for it and did the same.
Until the next weekend. When he randomly text messaged again. Even though I had deleted his number, I knew who it was. The request was the same, for me to come over. My response was the same: go call some other stupid broad.
Believe me, I realize me hooking up with him in the first place way back a few months ago wasn't the right thing to do. I realized that weeks ago. I'm just surprised he kept trying. I mean, I said no in so many ways and not too nicely. I called a spade a spade. Which left me completely unprepared for what happened this morning.
I woke up to the random text message. Rather, after AC (a new guy I'm talking to from a dating site who is currently deployed in Afghanistan-due to come home in 6 weeks) called me this morning to say hello. After the phone call I noticed I had a text message, timed at 3am (of course) from LAPD (of course). All it said was "Hi, Silly". I responded at 1030am with "Hi". He responded with, "I don't want you to be thinking I'm a big jerk." WTF?!!!!!!!!!!!  I said, "Well unfortunately there is no evidence to tell me otherwise." He says, "You're a wonderful woman. I guess I really acted like a dick in the past." The past?! A week ago, two weeks ago, three weeks ago, ad nauseum isn't too long ago. The conversation came down to him asking me out on a proper date. I said my disclaimer of not looking for booty, wanting a relationship, I'm in it to win it. He says he won't try anything or even bring up sex. He's up for the challenge. He said there were never any other girls, he was just trying to make me jealous. People, don't worry, I don't actually believe that.
Here is where I depend on my audience. Is this all because I kept turning him down? I kept saying no? I admitted to my mistake of hooking up when I shouldn't have. Why is he now changing his tune? Is this a Hail Mary pass around my No? Am I overthinking and should give it a chance? Again, WTF?!

To be or not to be.. a drama queen?

Ok, I don't know about you but every single guy I know all says the same thing: they don't like drama queens. They don't like needy chicks. They want an independent chick! If any of you are on a dating website, they all put it in the profile too.
However, don't you notice that when you get to know them that all their exes were drama queens? Hmm. They seem all excited that you're NOT like that? I used to get all puffed up about that, like, heh I'm special. He will see I'm a much better girl than the other ones he's been with! Especially since, and my ex roommate and bff Red will attest to, I'm the exact opposite. I never demand to know where my boyfriends are. I never pick fights for no reason. I'm not nosy. I don't snoop. I take care of myself just fine.
So here I impart my theory for you all to ponder: my boyfriends think I'm boring. Its not the sex, the sex is great. They get home cooked food. I'm a good girl. But I'm boring. No drama from me of any kind. Which makes me think they really DO like drama, but they don't want to admit it! Case in point, when I was with Satan, he told Red one time that he wished there WAS a little drama. WTF? So I decided recently to conduct a little social experiment.
Ok, people, I do not normally play games. Ever. I feel it's juvenile and a waste of my time. But I started to notice something, and so have a lot of my single friends. How come we normal chicks are the ones that are single and the crazy chicks are beating off dudes with a stick? There must be something I'm missing. Being the obsessive researcher and thinker that I am, I came up with a plan and deployed it 2 days ago.
I'm still talking to Mimbo. He is being a lot more communicative and in contact than he has ever been. The going to church thing really threw me. So since I'm not emotionally involved yet, he became my guinea pig. It started like this:
Tuesday he went to happy hour after playing volleyball with some other firemen he works with. I asked him why he didn't come over and go walking with me. He said he was designated driver. (I thought I wasn't laying it on thick enough so I then said this-->) "There better not be any chicks hitting on you! I'll be pissed!" Immediately he called me. I didn't pick up. Actually I was laughing while I was looking at my phone. So the frantic text messages started. "Baby, I don't like those younger chicks! You know that! I only want you!!! Only you!!".
HOLY CRAP. IT WORKED.
Since then he text messages me all day, and calls every night. Tells me I'm beautiful. Says good night and good morning EVERY DAY. In small doses does this crap actually work? Have I discovered the "missing link" of dating? Or was this specimen just particularly susceptible? Hmm. I might have to try this on someone else just to make sure, as the exception does not prove the rule obviously.
What say you, peanut gallery?

Things you do when you're bored

I'm kind of in that "I don't care" phase of dating right now, born of boredom and lingering emotional detachment from not too distant heartbreaks. This zone is a little dangerous for me because I tend to do things that not only get me no where, but put me in danger of falling for someone who doesn't deserve it. Have any of you ever been this spot? It's really kind of weird.
Now normally I don't advocate going on the ex-boyfriend re-tread, but I seem to be doing just that. Mimbo has been calling and texting, as all of you well know. Last Sunday we went to church together, at HIS suggestion. (Please, don't fall out of your chairs..lol.. I actually do go once in a while) After Mass he asked me to hang out later on in the day. While SB and I were at brunch afterward, he kept texting, asking to meet him and his friends later. Now this was new. I've never met any of his friends. Mostly because he thinks dating is just coming over to my house. Which the rest of us know is called something else. I said to SB," Watch, this will not happen. He will call later asking to come over or me come to his place." Which is exactly what happened. I stood firm and said no. I'm not getting on that merry-go-round with him again. If he wants to see me, he can see me at some other location other than our respective residences. Since he's been at the River this week, he's been texting the entire time. Odd behavior, even for Mimbo.
This past week I decided I was ready for a boyfriend again. No more flings, no more hanging around in an ambiguous situation. Which leads me to question what the hell I'm doing dating Mimbo again as well as a 25 year old puppy. I'm under no illusion that a serious relationship is likely with either, although the 25 year old is more likely of the two. He's from the mid west and definitely not afraid of having a girlfriend. They're not crazy with dating like we are here in So Cal.
I've come to the conclusion that while I'm going to hold firm on my new decision, it's not going to stop me from being taken out so I can stay occupied. There just won't be any goodies for them. Cruel? Maybe. My prerogative? Oh definitely!

Your puppy is so cute!!!!

I bet you totally thought I was going to write a post on the tricks men use to get our attention, didn't you? HA! Not really, all though that would be entertaining to write.
Nope, I'm posting today on dating younger men, who I affectionately call "puppies". I am not a cougar, mostly because I'm not old enough being as I'm only 36. I also don't want to write something that leads everyone to believe this is some kind of social phenomena... blah blah.. boooooorrriinnng!
I'm posting today because I've lived it. My aunts live it every day. They're both married to guys ten years or more younger than they are. My one aunt is 18 years older than her husband. They've both been married before, and this time around they picked someone more fun, I guess. I do not consider them cougars either.
When I was 33 I dated a guy who was 21 years old. Shockingly, he turned out to be a whole lot of fun and a lot more mature than what I would have thought. We used to watch football all day on Sundays, go to the movies, and I would cook for him. Alas, he got deployed and we had to end it. But dang was he hot! Especially when he was walking around my house in his boxer briefs...and helping me move to a new apt... and... wait, why did I stop fooling around with him again? Oh yeah, we became friends instead. This is a big draw for me as younger men seem to be more active, not so set in their ways, and more willing to please in a whole lot of ways. (And I didn't mean THAT way, you big ol' bunch of pervs! Although that was a bonus)
I guess there is somewhat of a social stigma if you're my age or older. Maybe because if you're single at my age or older, the focus is on marriage so much that people wonder what the hell you're doing. It helps a lot that I don't look my age, but I am the only one of my friends to be willing to date someone that much younger than me. My BFF, Red, is seeing someone she calls the Young'un. She's 36 and he is 30. That's not such a big deal to me. But of the more extended group of friends I have, I am the ONLY one who dates men significantly younger.
Would I consider someone a full decade younger as marriage material? Meh... I don't know. I have a second date with a 25 year old on Thursday night, so I'll let you all know after that.. hee hee hee.

Sometimes they come back

I think I should learn to be careful about invoking the spirits of evil ex-boyfriends in my blog. Because sometimes they come back. Last weekend I was killing an hour before getting ready for a date by playing World of Warcraft. Yes people. I'm a huge nerd. Moving on......  Well, Satan sent me an in-game message. "Oh good job on your toon! How are you?" Besides the icky feeling in my stomach? You know, the kind you get when it falls out and hits the floor? I bet you're wondering if I responded. Oh you bet I did. I've known it was just a matter of time before it occurred since he began obsessively playing recently. Which he does when he starts detaching himself from his current reality. Anywho... my response:
"F- you, you f-ing lying, cheating, psychopathic asshole. Go f-yourself!" To which he replied with a deletion to my toon and put me on ignore. Um yeah. Because I'M the one in danger of sending messages.
Monday I get an email on my blackberry from Mimbo. You all remember Mimbo don't you? Read back a few columns to the porn post and you'll figure it out. Mimbo pops up every 6 months or so, you can almost time him. He's been doing this for about 3 years. I told him unless he wants to have a girlfriend then he needs to leave me alone because I'm looking to get married. Ha! I thought, now he will run! Um, except he didn't. So now I just keep telling him no I won't go out with him.
I guess I really don't understand the concept of guys coming back. Satan lied and cheated on me, but he has a loooooong history of being a romantic revisionist. He always thinks his past relationships were a lot more rosy than they really were. I guess that's why the chick he left me for was the girlfriend before me. Who cheated on him a few times too. Keepin' it classy, Satan!
As for Mimbo, I think he just gets bored and thinks I will always have the door open, which I don't. Why do guys do this? Is it because they think their "pussy pass" (excuse my crassness) hasn't been revoked? I secretly think this is why men keep in contact even after they dump you, so it DOESN'T get revoked.
I'd be interested in hearing from some men on this. Except for AssHat, who knows who he is.

Oh, spare me!

Ladies, I've remarked upon how I don't read advice columns written by women. It's all a bunch of hopeful crap meant to sooth our egos but doesn't really do anything for us. I never thought I would read a column written by a man that I thought was hooey. What dudes think about us naked
I can appreciate a guy wanting to make us all feel better so we will get naked more often, but I'm more concerned with what's behind our neuroses. We've all been there. Holding the sheets up to our chests, turning the lights out so the man won't see, not letting a guy touch us in a certain place for fear he will think we are less than perfect. And therein lies the evil word: perfect.
Can anyone really blame us? We are bombarded at all hours of the day and night with media that tells us to constantly change ourselves to be a certain ideal. Now, I'm not going to deny I use anti-aging face moisturizer or Boots eye/lip serum, but thats a far cry from getting plastic surgery, starving ourselves, and looking like a freakin' bobblehead. Seriously, have you noticed the young "sex symbols" right now all look the same? They're all about 5'1, weight a buck-o-nothing, huge hooters and no rest of the body to speak of? Hell, I wish I looked like that! Alas, it took years for me to realize that I can't be like that and to like myself for who I am.
With Hollywood constantly picking the same kind of women, with porn so readily accessible that the sex industry is now making its permanent mark on our appearances, how do we let go of the veil? I am not the first woman to back out of a room naked so a guy doesn't see the slight dimpling on my upper thighs. But we wouldn't think that in the first place if every damn magazine at the grocery store is telling us we all look like junk and need to improve.
However, aside from my rant, am I over thinking this? Maybe men are really so adolescent that they're just excited to see boobs or anything else. We can all revel that we all have at least one thing about us that is an obvious draw. Maybe it's great hair, pretty eyes, fantastic smile, grace, and in my case a fabulous ass. Maybe we shouldn't question what they see in us. If they want to see us naked, they're obviously attracted. Yes, I realize I'm trying to play both sides of the argument here, but that's besides the point.
We need to own it, girls. We rock. Deep down we know it. It's time we stop being a bunch of wienies and show our husbands and boyfriends we know we are beautiful on the inside AND out.

Holy Freakin' Crap!

Ok, I will admit in real life to being nothing even close to being a feminist. The original argument of equal work equal pay thing obviously worked out in our favor but since then it's taken a whole different turn. The feminists-turned-feminazis have forever altered our behavior toward each other. Now I can go into a whole deal about free love and how it wrecked everything but I'm not. The Pill gave us choices our grandmothers didn't have. That being said, doesn't mean basic rules aren't important.
This article literally made my jaw drop. There goes tradition.
There are those women who walk around all disjointed and pissed off if a man opens a door for them or pulls out their chair. Come on, ladies! That fight isn't part of our generation! Let..it...go! I like it when a man holds a door for me, or pulls out my chair. To me, that is respect. It's not saying that he thinks I can't do it myself. Unless I have no arms or legs, of course I can.
I also expect a man to pay on the first date and at least the first few until I can figure out what it is he's there for. This is a disqualifier in my book. I still have my own money just in case it comes to that, but still. We women complain a lot (I'm probably the loudest) about men not showing courtesy or respect toward us. Why do we never think that our battle for equality might have had something to do with it? Girls of my generation (let's hear it for Gen X!) heard ad nauseum that we can act just like men from every women's magazine out there. Yeah, I'm talking about you, Cosmo! The only problem is, no matter how much we accomplish in the workplace or on our own, society as a whole will always have a double standard. I don't see that changing.
If we lack rules on expected behavior toward each other, we are going to wind up with a mess. Ergo, dating as it is now, and this article I linked to. We need to keep our standards because a lot of men are going to use our so-called freedom against us. This is already happening. Read that article.
My suggestion? Are we acting like we are worth the trouble or a dime a dozen? Think about it.
***UPDATE 8/14***  Ooooohhhhh... looks like I'm not the only wondering at feminism going crazy! My Vindication?

Yep, that's a bummer

Grrrr... I hate break ups. That icky feeling you get in the pit of your stomach, the feeling of loss of self confidence. I think thats what I hate most.
I was dumped on Tuesday evening, the day before my birthday. By text message. Coincidently, one text message after he told me Happy Birthday. So needless to say, my birthday was not so fab. My friends did their best with their well wishes, flowers, and balloons (which I really do appreciate by the way), but I was still sad on the inside.
I hate that this one thing managed to ruin what was essentially a really nice day. So I decided to do something completely selfish and just for me. I went and got two tattoos on my feet last night after work. They symbolize two out of the four countries I've been to so far. I wanted to remind myself that traveling is my time that no one can take away from me. Those experiences belong to my memory only. This morning when I woke up, I felt soooo much better.
So what do you all do when you get dumped? Anyone have any break up rituals to pass along? Let's share people!

Will they do anything?

So today I was reading this article Facebook nightmare, and it dawned on me that some men will do anything in their best interests. Actually, I can go so far as to say there is an entire subculture of sociopaths masquerading as normal. Oh you're just jaded, you say. Or am I?
Whether you believe this dirtbag's story or not, the fact remains he was married and carrying on with another woman behind her back. However, other stories mention she knew about the initial infidelity and took him back anyway. After which he married the other chick anyway. Ok, one, obviously this lady needs counseling. Two, did this guy's do-the-right-thing filter never come on? Really?
I can tick off 5 stories on one hand without even thinking about it. From one friend's ex cheating on her for Lord knows how long with a close friend and making her seem nuts for being suspicious, from another to dumping another friend for not being fat. Even though he was a closet chubby chaser. So instead of dealing with his issue, he inflicts his denial on my friend and pretty much wastes six months of her time. My question is this: is the drive for self serving purposes that strong as to completely block out the need to have integrity?
Going back to the jerk on Facebook, where do we as women draw the line? Is there a slippery slope? How much selfish behavior do we tolerate? I decided about 6 months ago, mid recovery from Satan's break-up, that my line was firmly drawn in the sand. No more ambiguous, ambivalent pap.
While I wholeheartedly believe there are some jacked up men out there, I place a good chunk of the blame on other women. Think about it. SB made a comment to me today about a guy who lied to her, "He did it so smoothly, like he'd done it many times before." How many women had accepted the lies before that, making him feel he could get away with it so easily? How many women either never questioned or never said no?
Does doing this serve our own selfish interests? Do we hear what we want to hear or see what we want to see to serve OUR purposes?
Or is this a symptom of our modern culture of instant gratification?

Break ups and how to make them extra crappy

Break ups. Oooooohhh they suck. I mean just on the merit of breaking apart, they suck.
Then there are those extra special break ups, where one party says something that makes it that...much...worse. Let's back up a little. Over the past week or so I've watched two of my really good friends get their hearts broken. It's extremely hard for me to watch. I have this inner Scary Italian Big Sister that comes out in me and makes me want to take a baseball bat to the bastards who hurt my friends. Those who know me know absolutely if I ever saw these pieces of crap again, know that I would probably have some extremely harsh words for them.

But the reason for this post today is for those extra bad assholes. Last year I went through a really, really bad break up. I'm still suffering from trust issues and emotional detachment from it. But the one thing I can't get out of my head is his crappy email telling me; "Yes, there's someone. She's pregnant and we're engaged. Now delete this email and let the healing begin!" Wow, how f-ing smug you are, Satan! I mean gosh, couldn't you have thought of something less hurtful to say? Like, I don't know.. I think we are better apart and I'm sorry for hurting you? Have a good life? Talk about words that will be burned in my brain forever. Which leads me to the granddaddy of them all. And I know he reads my blog.
"Snitch".... oh yeah. King of the Ass Clowns. For someone as sanctimonious and arrogant, this shouldn't surprise me but I guess I expected more decency. My best friend dated this prick for a good 6 months and broke up with him a couple times due to his constant immature ambivalence. When she did, he would come sucking up to her, emotionally manipulating himself back into her life, and deliberately ignoring why she couldn't be "friends". When she wouldn't budge, he used the L word on her to get her to come back. Yep. The L bomb. Yet he continued his ambivalent behavior. And so he broke up with HER today... by saying he wasn't attracted to her and he likes bigger women. Wow.. let's start with, Hey A-hole! If you weren't that into her why did you keep chasing her? Hmmmmmmm? You obviously liked having sex with her so that excuse is bullshit. As for thinking "your socioeconomic level" makes you better than the rest of us while also claiming you care about her, why would these words EVER occur to you? For someone who allegedly respects my friend, one would think you would have used kinder words to let her down.
Why do people do this? If this was a mutual fight, I could understand the mudslinging, but this came in an email with no provocation. I'm so angry I used this post to sling back. I've never said anything like that except for the hate mail to Satan after he dumped me. And so without further ado, this is my response to Snitch:
Dear Ass Hat,
I know you must think you are far removed from the rest of us peons, but sadly, your behavior let's us all know you never matured past the age of 22. From the beginning you have been nothing but a self-serving, manipulative, arrogant, pretentious prick. My friend is a nice girl. From your own admission she is a great, cool person whom you liked spending time with. You had absolutely no right to say the things you said to her. You need to be by yourself where you cannot inflict your ridiculousness on the rest of us. You didn't deserve my friend, she is too good for you. Might I also suggest I thought she was slumming when she was dating you. I hope you knock up a fat chick and she takes you for everything you have.
Asshole.

The Great Fake Out

Yep. I'm going there.
When I came across this article yesterday I laughed my ass off. Fake Out! Well yeah, I thought about Meg Ryan's Oscar worthy fake-O in "When Harry Met Sally". Then I thought about the episode in Sex and the City where Miranda is trying to teach the cute doctor to please her. He says, "Well I've never had this problem before." She says, "You didn't know this was an issue with us until I said something." The look on his face when it dawned on him that pretty much all of his intimate encounters might not have culminated in the Big O was hilarious!
While I'm not writing this today to strike fear in the hearts of men everywhere (although part of me is grinning and rubbing my hands together giggling), it's more of an examination into why we do it. I've done it. More than once, in fact. I've done it when it was horrible and I just wanted to get it over with. Then there were times when just being with that person was wonderful, but it just wasn't going to happen for me. I didn't want the man I was with to feel insecure that it wasn't going to happen, just like the article mentions. The reasons it wasn't going to happen are a moot point. You can't tell a man that the nearness of them was enough, though. They are much more goal oriented than we are and don't fully understand that.
I'm well aware of the fact that we need to take ownership of our own sexuality. Men are not psychics. Part of the reason being in a relationship is so awesome is the trust you build. You feel safe enough to tell someone what you like. (There's also that kind of freedom in a booty call arrangement, because there's no emotional attachment, IMHO). We women can be very skittish about mentioning our likes because we are mostly taught good girls aren't supposed to talk about stuff like that. I know I was! A lot of how women learn about sex is still very Victorian in its application and understanding.
Men, realize that if your girl fakes it at one time or another isn't really your fault. She might be just trying to please you. That being said, faking it ALL the time shows a complete disconnect with your body and your psyche. Almost akin to men not being able to finish with a "real" girl after they've been addicted to porn.
End comment: be utterly and absolutely true to yourself. You can never get in trouble for that!  =)

Today's pity post

Ok, I have to say it and please don't hate me. I feel sorry for Lindsey Lohan. I don't feel sorry for her going to jail, though. I honestly feel this was the intervention she needed to save her life.
I think we can all agree this girl has a really jacked up family life. Dad has been abusive in the past and is an attention seeking blow-hard. Mom thinks she's 21 and thinks she's famous because her kid is famous. Both parents leeched off this kid since she became an actress and lost all bearing for strong parenthood. Is it any wonder LiLo is as bad off as she is? This girl is a mess!
I hope she finds it within herself to gain some personal strength. She might have been to push her dad away and recognize he is not a good influence, but the same could be said for her mother. I really hope her re-hab helps her. If it doesn't.. well... her parents can go ahead and blame themselves.
I'm rooting for her. I don't necessarily think she's a super actress YET, but that may come with time and maturity.
Come on Lindsey.. love yourself! Take this time to gain some perspective, put some order in your life, and realize you are not just a meal ticket for your family members.

I think I like this guy!

Today's article link comes from Askmen.com. Don't do it dude. I have to say I was impressed. First off, I don't read love advice columns written by women in women's magazines. Mostly because I refuse to listen to idealistic advice from someone who isn't even a guy. How can a chick understand what goes on in their heads? We can't!
All right, so on to today's subject. Ever been on a date where it went well, had a couple drinks, maybe kissed a little? You were fairly confident he would call. But he didn't. You sent out the "benefit of the doubt" text or phone call a few days later, but still nothing. What happened?
This men's advice article gave me a little bit more insight into male behavior but was cool because it didn't let the guy off the hook. Basically, it told the guy he shouldn't have had wine and made out with a chick he wasn't really into in the first place. What did he think was going to happen? So now he has to suck it up and deal that he hurt a girl's feelings. Are men that fearful of being thought of as the bad guy, that they end up becoming just that?
Now in my last post I related that I email or text that I'm just not that into someone after I go out with them. I don't like leading people on, but it's mostly because I get skeeved out if I'm not into someone and they keep contacting me. Obviously, not a completely altruistic act on my part.
I think this is good advice from the column though. If you're not that into someone don't do something that makes them think otherwise. Say that you do, what's YOUR exit strategy? Ignore calls? Maintain radio silence? Or, like one time when I was about 21, looked right into a guy's face 7 months after I'd hookd up with him and denied I'd ever met him. Yeah... ouch. I can't believe I even pulled that one off. And believe me when I say I don't think it's an accident that I'm single in my mid-30's. I'm pretty much convinced it's karmic justice.
Have you ever hooked up with someone because you were bored, horny, in a fight with your other? Maybe it was someone you never considered dating or hook up potential, and then couldn't get rid of them because they thought you liked them?
What did you do, audience? I'm dying to know   =)

Dating and Manners

I have to say I've been pretty lucky in my dating history. I've never really had any truly rude dates, outside the norm. I remember one guy I went out on a date with, who decided to mouth off to the cops when they came through the pub on a bar check. It was a Friday night in HB's Main St. That's what the cops do. Except I had never told him that I was working for the Sheriff's Department then, and my internal alarms went off. Only people who have been up to no good in their life tend to do that. I said to him, "So what did you get popped for?" He said, "Possession." That was my cue to exit. Of course it didn't stop him from trying to hold me there and put his tongue down my throat, to which I politely and in a ladylike manner explained I would break all of his fingers if he didn't let me go. It worked.
However, there have been others than hovered on the rude borderline. They were late (a little to a lot), kept checking their cell phone in front of me, texting in front of me, got a little too touchy feely too soon. I have to wonder, where did they learn their dating manners from? This morning I came across this article Bad Dating Manners. A lot of my friends have told me some funny stories, and they run the gamut from cheap men to men who do nothing but talk in a vile way about their exes. One man even cried at the table when one of my friends remarked how unhappy he seemed. Self control, people!
I pride myself on being a good date. I'm prepared to pay, should it come to that. I'm on time, and am a witty conversationalist. I flirt a little, but never with someone who I am not attracted to. I don't like leading people on and never agree to get in contact if I'm not feeling it. I will let them know right away, usually the next day, if I won't be seeing them again. That's just being nice.
One wonders where people get their dating manners from. A male friend of mine went to pick up a girl he asked out and she was dressed in what could only be described as "hooker chic". After he took her to dinner, she invited him back to her house. From there it just got weird and he quickly got back into his car to leave. So its not just doing the offending!
I think I can place the bad manners blame on upbringing. What say you, audience? What was your most awful experience?

The Rules of the Booty Call

Picture this: you meet a cute guy, you hook up, you figure that's all its going to be. He's not exactly dating material. But then he calls. We can go a couple different ways on this. Drinks before another hook up? Or calling at random and inconvenient times for a hook up?
What are the rules here anyway?
I've been on both sides of this fence in my single life. There's the guy who doesn't feel quite comfy of having a completely "casual" relationship, even though you are. Even though he doesn't want more than that either. I would always say no to this guy. Going for drinks or dinner puts me in the danger zone for liking him too much since I already knew he didn't want to actually date or have a girlfriend. Maybe some guys really do need to "fake date".
The other one, though. You thought you'd keep him around for playtime, but all he does is annoy you. Calls in the middle of the night asking YOU to come over to his house. Or calling you at 7am on your day off to ask YOU to come over. He's a giver, this guy.. ha ha ha. Ok, no lie. That's happening to me right now. LAPD is the king of last minute and random texts. I've told him to plan ahead because I'm too busy but he either doesn't get it or he's just not into it enough. Last weekend he got mad that I was drinking at a party with my friends (because he doesn't drink), then 5 minutes later wants to drive to where I am and fool around. I'm quite convinced he's mental.
I guess my rules here are have fun and drop what annoys you. I keep them at arms length. Not too much information sharing. The goal isn't dating or a relationship. It's just to keep the skills up until you find someone you DO want to date. Please don't judge, people. You know you've all done it, whether you called it what it is or not.
LAPD was shut down completely and forever this morning. HAAAAAAAAA

To have and to hold.. myself!

There are things in this world that drive my mother insane, and one of them is telling her (in a sarcastic woe-is-me kind of way) that I'm never getting married. It's not for lack of trying. I was in a good relationship for 6 years but he just never wanted to get married. Unfortunately, I do. So, we parted ways amicably, and still talk every so often. I've been in other relationships since, with one being pretty serious. That ended miserably with me wanting to go on a homicidal rampage after I found out what he did (cheater, got someone pregnant and got engaged to her. All in 4 weeks!). At any rate, in the year since that's happened I've often wondered if I'm really meant to be married. People who try to make me feel better often quote the divorce rate, blah, blah, blah. I'm Italian and at heart we are romantics. We don't give a crap about divorce rates, thats why a lot of Italian men have 6 ex-wives. We are in love with falling in love, no matter how it ends.
For those that know me, I'm not that optimistic. I love falling in love. Who doesn't? Getting to know a new partner, your first kiss, the first time they stay over (or vice-versa), yada yada. However, I'm definitely not an optimist. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that the area I grew up in and currently live is a poor place to find a mate. I have trust issues. When I'm not emotionally available, I still don't stay away from men but I definitely keep them at arm's length. Ok, leading to my point...
I found this article and was immediately intrigued. Don't Want Marriage or Kids. I can't help but question, is she settling for herself? Was not getting married REALLY a choice? Or rather, the way her life turned out for her was the choice in itself? I work with a couple people who are content singles with no kids, and older than my 36 years. I've never asked them why, because that would be rude. However, I can't help but wonder if that "choice" might be in progress for me. I do like being by myself and I travel alone a lot, but I still have something inside me that says "keep trying". Considering the wonderful adventure I just had in Scotland, and meeting DFTB, it makes me wonder if this isn't just a case of geography. Makes me wonder...

Porn is real! Isn't it?

This morning I went back to reading a fave blog, Why Women Hate Men. (Snaps to BikerPuppy for turning me onto it!) It's pretty much ridiculous singles ads by men trolling the internet. They're actually pretty hilarious, in a train wreck kind of way. Any-who.. I read this one today Real Women and Porn Chicks.
There are some of you who know me in real life, that know I dated this mimbo (male bimbo) fireman who kept turning up like a bad penny. He was like this guy in the ad in this blog! Now, considering how open our society is with sex nowadays, I really don't have any problem with porn. I accept that most men look at it and that doesn't bother me at all. They are visual creatures. However, MOST of those men understand that these chicks are paid actors, just naked. Mimbo, on the other hand, was so obsessed with that world it became reality for him. In fact, now that I think about it, he was exactly like the guy in the blog. Mimbo would complain to me that he'd never be able to find a girl like those girls, who really seemed to enjoy those things. Since I had dumped him, I suggested maybe paying the next girl he dated and maybe she would do those things and act that way... ha ha.
But seriously..... have we become so desensitized that we expect our partners to be this way? I'm not quite sure what the equivalent for women would be, except maybe Girard Butler in his little "300" outfit throwing me around a bit, but it's not the same. Is adult entertainment so accessible in so many places that it's become normal instead of special? It makes me wonder if there are more Mimbo's out there, and if there are, watch out!

I had a suspicion

So the other day I read this article on http://www.hotair.com/, which is one of my favorite websites. It's an article from the NY Daily News Rom-Coms and Relationships . One of my many theories in why male-female relationships are so difficult. In our quest for instant gratification, it's now overlapping into the expectation of instant happiness! Are we insane? Or are we just falling for crap because it's easier than examining ourselves? I look at what these movies tell us: That we will meet a hot guy out of no where who is a total player but gives it all up when he meets us (ok, yes we know we are all fabulous already but play along please), there are a couple bumps in the road and after one mishap (maybe after the 2nd or 3rd date) they realize they looooooooove us. However, it freaks them out and they dump us. We cry. They come crawling back. We accept and poof! Happily ever after. They plan surprises, they plan ahead (HA!!!!), never do things that make us question their loyalties, and of course are fabulous lovers who get it right every time.
When in reality they just keep seeing the other girls, make weird excuses to us and keep coming around for God only knows what reason.
I will confess I stopped reading Cosmo about a year ago. I couldn't do it anymore. The vapid commentary and articles on how to get into a guy's head and make him fall for you were ridiculous. I prefer a much simpler way, as related to me by a male friend a couple days ago: Give him oral then make him a sandwich. With cheese.
No undertones there! No double speak or mixed messages. Am I trading my youthful hopefulness for the cynicism of my mid-30's? I don't think so. I think I'm starting to prefer not to care about "but what does it mean?!" I think I'm becoming a better listener. No more projecting what I want it to mean and hearing what it actually is. It's definitely freed my brain up to pursue more fun things.. like reading, planning my trips and playing WoW. (hahahaha...j/k..... or maybe not?)

The New Peter Pan?

So I'm at dinner with SB the other night and she tells me she was supposed to go on a date that very night. The guy told her to call him back to finalize, which she did. The guy doesn't pick up and calls her back hours later, when she's getting ready to meet me for dinner. She tells him she already made other plans. He responds with a chuckle and says, "How about you just make the plans from now on and I'll make myself available?" I didn't know what to say except, "Did you tell him you only went out with big boys?"

Seriously now... is this what its coming to? Men are just phoning it in instead of even making the effort to plan? Have we created a society of pansy-boys? I don't know whether to blame it on society or other women not calling them on it. This goes beyond just the lack of calling when they say they're going to. Obviously SB is going to tell him to get lost, but WTF?!

Is anyone else dealing with immature Peter Pans?