When the Truth Hurts

Last week I read this article that struck me so much it took me over a week to decide what I was going to say. He doesn't want it
Back when I was with Satan, one of the things that started to go wrong with us at the end was our sex life. It was never a question of me wanting it. I was the one asking HIM. I hadn't gained weight, or anything obvious like that. Rather, he just kept saying he didn't feel like it. That, and he started playing a lot of WoW, staying up late and looking at a lot of porn. I didn't know what to do. I asked him if he wanted to talk about anything. Nope. I asked him if there was anything we could try or do, you know, to shake things up. My suggestions were met with lackluster attempts at participation. I asked him if maybe this was a low drive issue, that we could go to the doctor. Now this suggestion actually pissed him off, that I would DARE think he could have some type of physical problem.
My biggest mistake was looking at this as a clinical issue. I knew he loved me, he told me all the time. He was still affectionate with me. Still spending every weekend with me. He seemed embarrassed by his lack of ability to "finish" the job. I never criticized. Which is where I went wrong.
As I struggled to try and figure out what was going on, I refused to look at the most obvious answer: that he was cheating on me. When the subject of counseling came up, at first he was reluctant. Then he told me he loved me and wanted to work it out. He wanted to go and figure out what was wrong with him. And so began the dog and pony show he trotted out for our counselor. Meanwhile, at home, the criticism of ME began:
"I don't know why you think your boobs are great, they're really just average."  and  "I just don't want to touch you if your skin doesn't feel perfectly satin smooth, like it should." (which caused me to exfoliate and moisturize endlessly until my wrists got cramps and I scrubbed 3 layers of skin off.) and finally not even looking at me if I stood in front of him naked.
I don't look any different then than I do now, but after it was over it sank in just how much my self esteem had taken a hit. I had never been physically down on myself after a relationship ended, but it took me MONTHS to get over it. I never want to go through something like that again.
Ladies, the moral of the story is this: there is something seriously wrong if your guy doesn't want to get it on with you. If it's not a genuine low T problem, that he has been diagnosed by a doctor, then you better believe he's getting it elsewhere. And guys, if this is you, don't torture your chick. Just get out of the relationship.
It's been a week since I read this article and I'm still bothered by it. It's been a year since Satan told me he had been with someone else, she was pregnant and he was marrying her. And I'm still completely disturbed by it. I wonder when I'll be able to let it go.

Only a matter of time

Well my last post was a little social experiment in itself. The going theory seems to be I turned it into a chase with LAPD by continually telling him no. For weeks on end. It seems that theory was correct, in that someone who isn't serious will eventually revert back to their original state.
Which is exactly what happened.
As is LAPD's habit, he text messaged me on Saturday. At first things were normal: work, etc. Then came the inevitable, "Hey why don't you come over here and get naked with me." Um, yeah. Apparently he thought I was playing for the past couple months when I said no. The conversation degenerated from there ending with me threatening to call my cousin who is a sergeant on the same type of special unit he's on but at another station. I can't even repeat what he said because it was so disgusting.
So, he eventually acted like we all thought he eventually would. Interestingly, I asked why he even said what he did last week when he clearly didn't feel that way. He said he did feel that way, he was just horny all the time. Well aren't we all? Except the rest of us manage to have the self control of adults, rather than a child. I can just picture the inside of his brain with little pop-up messages: instant gratification! must have woman now! grunt! grunt! Maybe he's schizo and his other personality is a caveman, who knows.
I wouldn't say I necessarily learned something. I think it's odd he keeps hassling me. I mean I keep saying no, yet he continues to try. Hmm. Now that I've thrown the gauntlet down on his career he'd be smart to stay away, but I guess I'll soon see.

The power of No?

An interesting, odd and completely crazy thing has been going on the past few weekends. I told LAPD to take a hike like a month ago. I told him I was looking for a relationship, didn't want a booty call, etc. I didn't hear back from him, which was what I expected. Exactly one week later, I get the standard random text message asking me to come over. To which I replied, get lost. Didn't hear back.... for another week. Then the same thing happened again. Random message, I get mad and tell him no. He says something disrespectful about having another girl come over instead. Yep, he went there. Even if the assumption is that both people are seeing others, who the hell throws it in the other person's face? And we weren't even seeing each other! So I tell him he will never have access to my goodies again, that he disrespected me, that he completely disregarded everything I had said. He said he was deleting my number. I said go for it and did the same.
Until the next weekend. When he randomly text messaged again. Even though I had deleted his number, I knew who it was. The request was the same, for me to come over. My response was the same: go call some other stupid broad.
Believe me, I realize me hooking up with him in the first place way back a few months ago wasn't the right thing to do. I realized that weeks ago. I'm just surprised he kept trying. I mean, I said no in so many ways and not too nicely. I called a spade a spade. Which left me completely unprepared for what happened this morning.
I woke up to the random text message. Rather, after AC (a new guy I'm talking to from a dating site who is currently deployed in Afghanistan-due to come home in 6 weeks) called me this morning to say hello. After the phone call I noticed I had a text message, timed at 3am (of course) from LAPD (of course). All it said was "Hi, Silly". I responded at 1030am with "Hi". He responded with, "I don't want you to be thinking I'm a big jerk." WTF?!!!!!!!!!!!  I said, "Well unfortunately there is no evidence to tell me otherwise." He says, "You're a wonderful woman. I guess I really acted like a dick in the past." The past?! A week ago, two weeks ago, three weeks ago, ad nauseum isn't too long ago. The conversation came down to him asking me out on a proper date. I said my disclaimer of not looking for booty, wanting a relationship, I'm in it to win it. He says he won't try anything or even bring up sex. He's up for the challenge. He said there were never any other girls, he was just trying to make me jealous. People, don't worry, I don't actually believe that.
Here is where I depend on my audience. Is this all because I kept turning him down? I kept saying no? I admitted to my mistake of hooking up when I shouldn't have. Why is he now changing his tune? Is this a Hail Mary pass around my No? Am I overthinking and should give it a chance? Again, WTF?!

To be or not to be.. a drama queen?

Ok, I don't know about you but every single guy I know all says the same thing: they don't like drama queens. They don't like needy chicks. They want an independent chick! If any of you are on a dating website, they all put it in the profile too.
However, don't you notice that when you get to know them that all their exes were drama queens? Hmm. They seem all excited that you're NOT like that? I used to get all puffed up about that, like, heh I'm special. He will see I'm a much better girl than the other ones he's been with! Especially since, and my ex roommate and bff Red will attest to, I'm the exact opposite. I never demand to know where my boyfriends are. I never pick fights for no reason. I'm not nosy. I don't snoop. I take care of myself just fine.
So here I impart my theory for you all to ponder: my boyfriends think I'm boring. Its not the sex, the sex is great. They get home cooked food. I'm a good girl. But I'm boring. No drama from me of any kind. Which makes me think they really DO like drama, but they don't want to admit it! Case in point, when I was with Satan, he told Red one time that he wished there WAS a little drama. WTF? So I decided recently to conduct a little social experiment.
Ok, people, I do not normally play games. Ever. I feel it's juvenile and a waste of my time. But I started to notice something, and so have a lot of my single friends. How come we normal chicks are the ones that are single and the crazy chicks are beating off dudes with a stick? There must be something I'm missing. Being the obsessive researcher and thinker that I am, I came up with a plan and deployed it 2 days ago.
I'm still talking to Mimbo. He is being a lot more communicative and in contact than he has ever been. The going to church thing really threw me. So since I'm not emotionally involved yet, he became my guinea pig. It started like this:
Tuesday he went to happy hour after playing volleyball with some other firemen he works with. I asked him why he didn't come over and go walking with me. He said he was designated driver. (I thought I wasn't laying it on thick enough so I then said this-->) "There better not be any chicks hitting on you! I'll be pissed!" Immediately he called me. I didn't pick up. Actually I was laughing while I was looking at my phone. So the frantic text messages started. "Baby, I don't like those younger chicks! You know that! I only want you!!! Only you!!".
HOLY CRAP. IT WORKED.
Since then he text messages me all day, and calls every night. Tells me I'm beautiful. Says good night and good morning EVERY DAY. In small doses does this crap actually work? Have I discovered the "missing link" of dating? Or was this specimen just particularly susceptible? Hmm. I might have to try this on someone else just to make sure, as the exception does not prove the rule obviously.
What say you, peanut gallery?